She Wars...

Ok so... its a lovely Sunday afternoon and I have invited my friend Efe whose husband is out of town for the week to do lunch with me at Southern Sun Hotel in Ikoyi. We have something in common, we both love food and today we are both on a self destructive mission to eat the hotel into a loss on their N6,000 buffet!

As we sit down at the table with our second helping from the buffet spread Efe starts to update me on the ongoing mother-in-law from hell saga she has been living for the past 5 years. This weeks episode on "Iya Oko Efe" (Efe's husband's mother), is that Mama who initially visited Efe and husband for a 2 week break is now marking her 2nd month anniversary in their home, and looking more and more settled-in each day. This morning, Mama told Efe her daughter, Ada (renamed "Aunty Witch" by Efe) will be visiting them for a ''few days'' this week in Efe’s home. Efe who is now looking ready for her third helping looks up from her plate and tells me she is sure they are up to no good ...

''otherwise why would "aunty witch" want to visit Mama, now her brother (Efe’s husband) is out of town?'' She asks me sternly like I am part of the "visit-Efe’s-house-planning-committee". "What kind of nonsense visit is that...eh?!" she demands. I continue with my well practised responses appropriately inserting "hmmm", "na wa o!", "na so?", "God is your strength!", ( and Efe’s all time favourite), "they have failed!!!!", as Efe continues to lament.

Efe then asks the most profound question that even I, whose not yet blessed with in-laws from hell can identify with. She asks,

''why are women always the root of another woman’s problem?''

We obsess about Mama and "Aunty Witch" until Efe looks strong enough to go home and participate in next week’s episode of "Iya Oko Efe"

I enjoy Sundays especially as they are my only real day off work but today on my way home I decide to make a quick stop at the office. As I walk down the corridor to my office I hear a loud conversation coming from the admin office. The door is slightly open and I can recognise the voices of all participants. The headliner is Nene who seems to have whipped up an audience for her very own self pity party.

At the top of her voice I hear Nene crying “I don’t know why she hates me! She just hates me!!” then I hear the evil thin shrieking voice of Funke cheer her on "...eh now! How wont she hate you? She is jealous of you!!". Nene is well in her element now she has the support of Funke the shrieking office anorexic. Nene continues...

"Manager called me this morning and complained I was late for work, I told her I am pregnant and so I cant come to work on time and now she has told me to ask for the time off in writing....eh? Is it my fault that she is not married or that God has not blessed her with the fruit of the womb?” "Why is she taking it out on me?” Funke cheers her on again "Dont mind her jare! Let her not go and look for husband o! She should continue to carry this work on her head!”.

Desperate not to spoil my Sunday I turn right around and walk back to my car. I urge the driver to drive me home like the building I ran out of is on fire. As I ride home I fight really hard to push back the tears not borne of hurt but of anger that the very ones I was relying on to support and help me build a strong team and business are the very ones pulling it down. My very own...women folk.

When I joined the boutique hotel I was surrounded by workers who knew very little of the business they had been employed into. Since I moved back to Nigeria my favourite saying has become "If you must copy please paste!". Too many new business concepts in Nigeria had been imported from Europe and America without a thorough understanding or transfer of the true business operational principles hence the poor serviced fast food restaurants, hotels and other hospitality businesses we are forced to endure in Nigeria. The staff I inherited in the hotel had never seen what the real concept of a 5 star hotel looked like less imagine the tedious dedication it takes to deliver such high standards. Hence when I interviewed Nene for the job as my deputy I was quick to forgive the fact she did not have a degree as she had worked in the hospitality business in America. She soon became my personal bull dog bullying the staff into doing their jobs like and when it ought to be done. She was ten years younger than me and had a striking resemblance to my younger sister. I must admit my sentiments swayed my final decision to employ her at such a senior level in spite of the lack of higher education and senior management experience. Together worked very hard at whipping the business into shape and earned the begrudging respect and admiration of our male staff and colleagues. It is for this reason it angers me that after all that we have achieved she now chooses disrespect our efforts with petty bitchiness.

When I took the job at the hotel I expected hostility and rebellion from the male staff. It was simply to be expected... a young single female running the prestigious hotel?! Well, my first experience was with the Muslim accountant, when I insisted he scheduled meetings with me and not just have update me on our financial position anytime he walked by my office. His response was unforgettable ...

'' Eh... Madam I can give you your respect for now because you are my manager TODAY but we do not know what will happen TOMORROW!'' ''Eh but me too...I need you to give me my respect too as a man!''

Next it was the young HR assistant who had taken it upon himself to be my ears in the office saying to me ...

''You must be careful how you talk to the men that report to you! Some of them have four of you at home so they will not just let you talk to them any how" then, seeming to catch himself he suffixes "...with all due respect ma!''

I expected all of the heavy macho ego stuff from my male staff, colleagues but my male clients caught me off guard many-a-times. They would shamelessly try to play the 'sex, romance, love or marriage' card in the meetings. I suppose they think because I am single the romance card will be a strong sell. Once I had a client stop me abruptly in the middle of tough negotiations when he realised I was not going to cut him any slack declaring his undying love for me. He just blurted out ...

"I am sorry, I know now is not the right time to bring this up but I can’t concentrate until I get this off my chest...will you 'go out' with me?"

At which point I apologise for my terrible learning disability - dyslexia (to be precise) and tell him the quote he was trying to negotiate is wrong.

"Silly me did I say 3.7m Naira? I actually meant 7.3m Naira ... I thought my dyslexia was getting better. I do apologise."

I knew it would be tough being a young, unmarried, female boss in Nigeria, I had been warned by my thirty-something year old single friends in England who had gratefully escaped from Nigeria just before they turned into thirty-something-year-old single career girls. They constantly warned me each time I romanticised the idea of moving back to Nigeria saying ...

"Lagos is not an easy place for those who have missed marriage o! Ha! They will frustrate you!! If you say anything in the office or anywhere sef they will say it is because you are not married!" and when I accused them of being primitive and short sighted they said "ok go now! You will see if you don’t come back quietly with your tale between your legs!! Or do you think those ones settling for second wife position are mad?!" "It does not matter how successful you are in Nigeria o!...hmmm, if you are not married you are no better than a queen without a crown!"

As I walk up to my room absent minded from the long drive home I question myself and entire being about whether I was being unfair asking Nene to get on with her job in spite of her pregnancy. I searched my soul to see if there was an iota of jealousy that could possibly be the driver of my fast deteriorating relationship with Nene?

As numb as can be and on auto pilot I walk myself to the bathroom to take a shower, change into my night clothes, make myself a hot drink then crawl into bed; but before I can settle in my phone rings. It's Efe, her rushed voice asks me if I would be free to follow her to look at some 'Aso Ebi' material tomorrow after work. I ask...

"Aso Ebi for what again Efe?" She replies "Mama’s funeral now!" Alarmed I yell, " Efe what happened to Mama?!" With high irritation in her voice she replies ''Nothing ah!...but she is old now! so it wont be long... abi?!''. Quietly I say '' Ha! Efe, you too will be a mother-in-law one day o'' Sharply Efe shouts down the phone ''Abeg!,Abeg!!... can you come with me tomorrow or not?!''

I hear frustration in my friend's voice and I know that this week's episode of ''Iya oko Efe'' is a special edition so I agree to meet up with her after worktomorrow.                                   

After Efe gets off the phone I too follow her lead and go into my wardrobe to pick out my most daring outfit and match it with deadly shoes and a handbag that simply says,

"Shut-up! I am still your boss!!”

Tomorrow I too shall use the power of high end fashion to silence my adversaries.

Note: Please note this blog was written before TFTin9ja left the world of employment but is only now being published.   If you are a follower of this blog you may notice this blog is out of sequence.  * I am now happily and sanely self employed!!